One Door Closes

And another one opens. At least that is what I have to believe right now. I also have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a better opportunity awaiting me.

Over the past week I have had to make some extremely hard decisions-- about law school, where I am headed, and my happiness. They were some of the hardest, if not the hardest, decisions I have ever had to make, but now that I have finally made them, I am happy. Much happier than I was a week ago, a day ago, even an hour ago.

Maybe I will explain in another post what has happened and the decisions I have had to make recently. They are very complicated, and yet in a way, so simple. But that is for another time. For right now, I have made my decisions, and I am happy with them. And I continue to believe that there is something even better around the corner.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

When I was younger, my mom used to read to me The Little Engine That Could. I am sure you remember it; it is a fairly popular children's book. Each time I heard it, I remember thinking, "Why is it so difficult for a little engine to go up a little hill?" It was not that I did not understand that for the little engine, the hill was an obstacle for him; I just did not understand why it was such a huge obstacle for him. It was not until I was an adult that I truly understood and fully comprehended the message behind the children's book (go figure, right?).

To me, the book, while preparing children for the obstacles they would have growing up, was really  preparing them for the obstacles they would encounter as adults. How many times as an adult have I said, "I think I can, I think I can" to myself? (Admit it, you have too.) I have used it more as an adult than I ever did as a child. And now, as I deal with and try to resolve some enormous obstacles in my life, I find myself saying, "I think I can, I think can, I think I can," just to help me get through the day. Who knew that a  mantra from a children's book would help me get through some of my most difficult times as an adult?

The Truth About Law School

"The first year they scare you to death, the second year they work you to death, the third year they bore you to death."

Law school is like nothing I have experienced before. Ever. And it is nothing like Legally Blonde, either. Getting into law school is hard, but it is nothing compared to what law school is actually like. The amount of work, pressure, and stress is tremendous, especially during the first year. There is enough to keep a student busy twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and if I let it, it would. Here is a list of some of the things I have learned in my two terms (so far) in law school. As time goes on, I will add to it.

1. The Socratic Method: Scary as hell, but once you've done it a few times, it's really not that bad. Unless you don't know what you're talking about, or haven't read the case. Then be scared. Very scared.

2. You will read more in one week than you ever thought possible.

3. Forget the way you took tests in college or other graduate schools. You will never take a test the same way again.

4. Nor will you ever think the same way again.

5. You will drink (alcohol, obviously) more in one week than you ever have. (But don't become a drunk or an alcoholic. That will only ruin your chances to succeed.)

6. When you get to law school, you will understand why law students and lawyers drink.

7. The law will become your life. You will start thinking of it (almost) all the time.

8. For everything you hear in normal, every day life, you will wonder how you can apply what you learned, in any of your classes, to it.

9. Your sleep schedule is shot to hell. In fact, the words "sleep"and "schedule" will not go together for the three years you are in law school.

10. You will be broke. Living of of loans is a killer, especially if you love to shop (which I do).

11. You will either hate the library or love it.

12. Outlines will become your enemy. They are the devil, especially when Microsoft Word does not cooperate.

13. Your ability to BS anything and everything will skyrocket. You will become adept at it.

14. You will threaten to drop out at least once a week. Probably more than that, actually.

15. If you don't threaten to drop out at least once a week, something is wrong with you. You are enjoying law school too much.

16. If you are enjoying law school, there is something wrong with you. Feel free to enjoy a class or a few classes, but if, overall, you enjoy school, there is something wrong.

17. Asking for help does not make you stupid. It shows that you want to succeed in school.

18. You cannot succeed in law school unless you ask for help.

19. You will become excellent at glancing at cases and picking out the rule(s) of law in seconds. But you still have to read the whole case.

20. Google, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other websites you frequent will become your best friend(s) during classes, but it's still important to listen (at least with one ear).

21. Do not give up. Law school will test you like you have never been tested before, but do not give up and do not give in. It is designed this way for a reason. You may hate it, and trust me, you will hate it, but do not let it get to you (at least not too much). There is nothing wrong with deciding that it is not for you, but if keep your resolve, your passion, your determination, you can make it. Law school is what you make of it.

MoVinG oN: Life's lessons

I recently read the below post on a friends' blog, and since I thought it was so good and spot on, I decided to share it. Enjoy! (P.S. What's in the brackets are my own two cents.)

MoVinG oN: Life's lessons: "I have so much to learn about life, and I can't even say that I've lived that much till now. But life has taught me some things throughout my short journey here.

1. If you fall, no matter how long you lie there, you will always get back up again.

2. Eventually, someone will offer you a hand, and it is your choice to take it or reject it. [I suggest taking it.]

3. It really does all work out in the end.

4. And because it does work out, worrying is just unnecessary.

5. Better to laugh than to cry [but sometimes a good cry is what you need].

6. No matter how long you cry, you will have to stop long enough to breath. So you might as well stop altogether.

7. A little prayer goes a long way.

8. Look around you, and you will see who in your life really matters, and who is just taking up space.

9. G-d always knows what's best [and never gives you more than you can handle].

10. A week really is a long time, especially when all decisions are made a week before camp/school starts.

11. Wherever you are, that's where you'll be, and wherever you are there is always a Walmart. (Or some equivalent.) So pack light.

12. Talking to friends instead of dealing with things on your own really does make the burden lighter.

13. Some people aren't so bad once you get to know them. [First impressions can be wrong. Give people a second (or third) chance.]

14. Dealing with difficulties makes you a stronger and wiser person.

15. Running away solves nothing. But vacations are nice once in awhile.

16. Never ask G-d to test you, because He will. Be happy with the easy things you have to deal with. [Though G-d will probably test you anyway.]

17. No matter what happens today- there will always be a tomorrow.

18. Everything really does look better in the morning.

19. Trust in yourself, because G-d put you here for a reason, and only you can do the job that was assigned to you.

20. Never do a half job, because you will have to do it again, and then you will be doing a job and a half.

21. The only approval you need is your own.

22. Ask not "why me?" but rather, how can I be the best me I can be?

23. Bad hair days will not kill you [though they will make you look ridiculous].

24. Laughter cures all. [After all, they don't say, "Laughter is the best medicine" for no reason.]

25. And lastly, "It's all good", because you know what? It always is in the end.

Feel free to add your own.

Cut Out

Grades from first term are slowly trickling in, though they are all due by next week. As I look at them, I slowly see my dream slipping away with each grade, and it terrifies me. Did I fight so hard to get into law school only to have my schools' harsh policies kick me out? No, of course not. However, I might not have a choice. Do I chalk it up to it being my first term? I could, but there is no way to know for sure if that is the is the case.

At the same time though, I wonder if it is a sign--maybe law school is not for me. Maybe this is not what I am meant to do with my life. Just because you want something and are interested in it, does not mean that you should do it. I wonder if that applies to me. But then I also wonder if having extended time would have made a difference. Or studying more, or using a different study method, or studying earlier. There are so many factors that go into it; so many variables that it is hard to tell if changing one of them, or any of them, will make a difference, because, like I said, maybe it is not the factors. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am just not cut out for this.

I do know that I did the best I could at the time. But sometimes my best is not enough, as the case might be. That means that I have to step up my game this term, which I will. In the meantime though, I cannot help but wonder if I am cut out for this.

Lucky

In the queer mess of human destiny, the determining factor is luck. -William E. Woodward

I am persuaded that luck and timing have, in my case, been very important. -Mike Wallace

Timing and luck is everything, at least in my life they seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how lucky they are that their timing is right; that they are able to have the one they love with them, or willing to move with, and for, them. That they can be with that person, without anything preventing them from doing so.

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight. She is starting law school in the fall, moving to a new city, and her boyfriend is, in all probability, going with her. I know she realizes she is lucky that he is, but I do not think she realizes how lucky she is to have him going with her. What I would not give to have my boyfriend here with me. To have our timing just right so that he can be with me, or that I can be with him. What I would not give to have it work out the way I want, the way he wants, or the way we both want. What I would not give for that. 


I keep cursing my luck, because it is just my luck, that things would work out like this. I have cursed everything and almost everyone. I curse the fates, destiny, and yes, even G-d, for their timing. And even though I am big believer in "everything happens for a reason," there are times where I want to say "Screw that." Times when I wish that someone, fate, destiny, G-d, or whomever, had decided that I do not need another obstacle in my path. That for once in my life, I deserve to have things to work out for me, however that may be. That I deserve to be lucky, too.

Then, I see or hear something that reminds me that I am lucky. I may not be able to be with my boyfriend, or even be able to talk to him every day, but I am lucky enough to have someone who loves me, for me. To have someone who accepts me as I am, quirks and weirdness and all. I am lucky to have someone who is good to me, so good to me that there are times when I question what I did to deserve him. I am lucky because I am able to follow my dream, and to have a boyfriend who is able to follow his, even if it means we have to be apart for awhile. I am lucky to only have to wait another year (probably, hopefully) to be with him, and not three years, or five years, or ten years. Lucky that I can see him when I have a break, even if it is only for a few days. I am lucky to have friends and family who are always there for me, who love me, and are willing to listen to me gripe, complain, whine, yell, and cry about how unlucky I am. Lucky.


I am lucky.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...Pursue those."-Michael Nolan 

Years ago, thirteen to be exact, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I have no idea what made me decide that, if anything specific sparked my interest, I just remember deciding it one day. It was my passion, my dream, and I worked extremely hard to achieve it. Yet, here I am now, wondering if this is where I am supposed to be.

A week ago, I started my second term as a law student, and honestly, I am struggling. Not because the work is hard (though it is), not because there is just so much work to do in any given week (though there is), and not because I miss my family, boyfriend, and friends (though I do). I struggle because the passion that I had coming into this five months ago is no longer there. It is gone. I have absolutely no desire to do this anymore, and the only reason I am here is due to obligations, responsibilities, and the difficulties that would arise should I decide to leave. Granted, there are times when I will be in class and something will greatly spark my interest (something not on the Internet), but then I come home, back to my apartment, where I have to sit down and do my work, and it will be the last thing I want to do. It used to be that I did not mind doing it at all, sometimes I even wanted to do it, and that while reading for school, I would find certain things interesting, even in a class I hated (ahem, property). Now though, I do the work because I have to, and sometimes I have to really force myself to do it. The passion is just no longer there. 

I was telling my boyfriend this the Saturday before school started. Actually, I was telling him how I did not want to do this anymore, and trying to explain that the passion was not there. I also refused to go back, may have even stamped my foot a few times while saying it (not that he could see). It was the last thing I wanted. But he refused to let me do that. He made me promise that I would give it two weeks, so I have until this coming Sunday to fulfill my promise. By then, I will have had two weeks to readjust, rediscover my passion, think this over, and hopefully decide what to do, what I want to do. But it is five days away and I still have no idea. 

People wonder, rightly so, whether or not this has to do with my boyfriend, and as much as I want to say no, I cannot. Of course he has something to do with this. He is in Israel, I am here. He has thirteen months of service left in the army there (which he may extend), I have three years left here. At the very least, it will be a year before we can be together, and if I know my boyfriend, it will probably longer because I am sure he will want to extend. And I am not going to ask him to not do that, for me. But more than just the fact that we are apart, it also has a lot to do with just wanting him here to be with me, to support me, encourage me, and just be here. There is only so long I can do this alone. Only so long before it gets to me. 

I know I am not really alone. I have good friends here, and family and close friends a four drive away. But as much as I love everyone here and back home, it is different. Having friends and family close is great, but having the one you love with you is even greater. There is nothing like having the person you love with you on the journey you are taking, during stressful and overwhelming times, in your corner, cheering you on. Or just knowing that when you walk in the door, he or she is going to be there (and if you are lucky, with dinner ready on the table). Knowing that he is here, with me, can make all the difference in the world. 

But that is a smaller aspect of this mess. The larger aspect is, like I said, the lack of passion. If it is not there, then why am I here? Why am I wasting my time, energy, brain cells, and money on this? I wonder, how does that kind of passion disappear in the span of five months? Not to mention, if I do not have the passion for it, then I am not motivated to do well, which will be a disaster when it comes time to find a job. As I sit and wonder where the passion went, the passion that I had for thirteen years, I wonder if this is not a sign from the universe or G-d. Maybe I am not supposed to be here, at least not right now. Maybe I am supposed to be elsewhere. Maybe this was all to lead me to where else I am supposed to be (though it would be helpful if G-d or the universe would give me a hint as to where that is). 

Then I think to myself, if I am supposed to be elsewhere, why I am so unsure of where that is? Why is it so hard to get there? My mom has always said that if something was bashert (meant to be), that it would not be so difficult, it would be easier to get there. Everything would work out. Yet I feel so confused, so lost. I feel that everything is a mess and that nothing is working out. This is not the way things were supposed to be. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out. 

I know I do not have to decide anything now, but the more time that passes, the more involved I am and the later it gets to do anything about it this term. The more I consider my options, the more I lean towards sticking it out this term, and, if I still feel the same way next term, maybe I will take it off, think about what I really want, without having to juggle school at the same time. In the meantime though, I am staying here, because right now, more than anything, I need to believe that this is where I am supposed to be. 

What To Say

I have begun this post so many times in the past weeks, but I have either ended up deleting what I wrote, or I did not even know what to write or where to start. My thoughts and feelings are floating around in my head, all jumbled, and occasionally, if I am lucky, I can actually think something through and come to a (temporary) conclusion. A few days later though, I am back to where I started--confused, chaotic thoughts and feelings. 

I started writing this because usually putting my thoughts down into words helps me organize them, sort them and my feelings out, and maybe come to a conclusion. Or at least see other options, ones I may not have considered before. But this time, it does not seem to be working. I cannot seem to get anything down; I cannot even seem to organize anything just enough to put them into words. For once, I am at a complete loss here, and right now, more than ever, I need the outlet writing gives me. Yet, I cannot seem to find it. I have no idea what to say.

Living the Dream

And wanting to run away from it. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for twelve years, and lately, all I want to do is quit. I want to run back home, back where I don't have the immense amount of pressure, stress, and work that I do here. Where I can go back to my part-time job while I try to figure out what else to do with my life. (Journalism, maybe. See? I've given this some serious thought already. I've even seriously considered moving to Israel and doing something there, but what I have no idea.)

But I don't run, anywhere. I stay here and tell myself that this is my dream. This is what I fought to be able to do for two years. This is why I moved away from my family and friends, from everything I have ever known. How many people get to live out their dream? I am one of the lucky ones, I know that. But I still cannot help but think that maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, this is not right for me after all. Just because you want to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Then I ask myself if I really believe that, if I really believe I am not cut out for law school, and I say "no." Truth be told, though, I do love (most of) this. Granted, some classes make me want to shoot myself or the book (property law anyone?), and reading cases can be extremely boring, but there are some classes and subjects I really do enjoy.

I realized recently that part of the reason I want to go home is because, aside from the stress, once my best friend moves back I will be all alone here, and as much as I like living alone, I'm still alone. There is no one here, physically, to give me comfort, to talk to, or just be here with me. Yes, I have friends here from school, and as great as some of them are, it's not the same. They are not family, not my boyfriend, or friends that I have known most of my life.

Everyone keeps telling me to give it a year, especially current and former law students. And I will. I knew before I got here that this was going to be extremely hard and stressful, and I still have those nagging doubts all the time, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. But I also know myself, and I know that if I really did think that I could not do this or if I really wanted out, I would be out by now. I would not be hemming and hawing over it; it would be done. Yet, it's not, and I am still here, living the dream.

A Dose of Reality

I am not really one to run from reality. I threaten to run, and often times do my best to avoid it, but I eventually face it, and of my own volition. But there are certain things I actually do run from and do my damn best to avoid. The list is short though. These days there is really only one thing I refuse to confront--my boyfriend being in the Israeli army. I absolutely refuse to think about it, refuse to think about what it truly means and what the potential consequences are. 

Then there are nights like tonight, where something happens, some awful news about someone you know (maybe not personally, but you know the person all the same or you have some connection to him/her), and I am forced to confront it, forced to think about it. 

Tonight I heard that someone's brother was killed while serving in the Israeli Defense Force. It's horrible, extremely saddening, and terrifying. This was my dose of reality. I feel for his family, I truly do. But as sad and awful as it is, I could not help but think of my boyfriend, who recently joined the IDF. It made me think of things that I greatly prefer not thinking about. I have no problem thinking of him as a soldier, in the Israeli army. My problem is thinking about what that truly means, what the consequences really are. It made me realize, yet again, that this could, in reality, happen to him. And it freaks me out. It scares me like nothing ever has before. So I retreat, back into my world where my boyfriend is just a soldier, where he looks awesome in his uniform, and everything is fine. Until that is, my next dose of reality hits. 

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, the day when you are supposed to be sweet and romantic to, and with, your significant other, buy each other gifts, and generally be all mushy. I have never been big on the holiday. It's not that I dislike it, but I do not love it. Honestly, I do not understand the holiday. Why have one day where you show your love for your significant other? Should we not be doing that every day?

Yet, I know we don't do that every day. I certainly do not. Other things get in the way: work, family, school, and life in general. But I try to, and, in my opinion, that is what counts. That you try, every day, to show your love for that special person in your life; not that you do it for one day out of the year and do not attempt it again until the next year.*

I do not need my boyfriend to buy me candy, roses, chocolates, stuffed bears or other assorted animals to know that he loves me or is thinking about me. I know that he is, and I know this because of the other ways he shows it-- the texts in the morning saying "Boker tov" (good morning), the unexpected beautiful gifts he sends me (not in honor of Valentine's Day), his constant encouragement and not allowing me to give up, his willingness to spend over an hour on the phone with me helping me with my internet problem, his worrying about my worrying about things, and other things. I look at the little things he does. For me, while the big things are nice, it's the little things that count the most.

However, just because I am not crazy about Valentine's Day, does not mean I don't wish all of you one. Happy Valentine's Day!

*I'm not saying that is what people do, just that I sometimes think of Valentine's Day like that.